Wednesday, May 20, 2009

That Hat...

Remember when a hat was a hat? Remember when hats had a prestigious character if it looked worn? I can see the sweat ring and folded brim now. Those were the days when a hat added to the definition of one’s personality. Unlike today, hats have become flashy showpieces. The stickers indicating the size of the hat are not removed. The brim looks like a huge sun visor that belongs in a Yukon. They just look stupid! Those who wear these urban displays of vainness are the epitome of insecurity.

That last sentence alone is enough to turn people off. It basically regulates thousands of young people and adults who are still trying to be ‘Da Shyt’ (mostly black people, by the way) to what I have entitled, ‘Foolishness By Any Means Necessary’. Somewhat similar to this:

A message to black people:

However, foolishness has hit home. Literally.

My son, Judah, showed-up for his weekly visit with one of those dumb looking showpieces on his head. I could have died. Here is my son, wearing a hat with that glittery sticker and oversized A that’s suppose to indicate that he is an Atlanta Braves fan or city of Atlanta Admirer on it. I could have puked!

At that very moment, I wanted so desperately to snatch that ridiculous head garbage off his big dome and shake the new found coolness and urbanity out of him. Seriously, I wanted to destroy that damn hat and some way/some how block the inevitable boyhood machismo.

It definitely did not help my sanity that he insolently swaggered the entire visit with that God-awful hat on his head. He wore it while playing a game on his PSP that prompted him to say over and over again: “Oh, Snap!” That irritated me too. He even had the audacity to wear it while we spent time watching a sentimental episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Imagine that: A ten year old with one of those stupid hats on his head and his conservative father, who was crying because of the show content, sitting hugged-up watching television.

I was so elated when it was time for Judah Mordecai to go back to his mother’s home. I could not take anymore of his new found gaudy debonairness. It actually was repugnant, in my 38 year old mind.

Witnessing my son become a different person as a result of an overpriced and overly garnished hat that I cannot under any circumstances refer to as a baseball cap was completely unbearable.

A baseball cap with character is the settle looking one above. Not, the tasteless looking attention grabber with fake diamonds in the shape of an A. So stupid!

What makes this commentary more than a father’s rant? Well, it was apparent that the hat gave Judah some level of weird confidence. Any hat with the capability to do that is DANGEROUS. How about he boastfully prance around over the A’s he earns each grading period? Also, for some reason Judah’s innocent expression jetted. With the hat on, he was Mr. Frown. Pretty much like the ‘hard dudes’ we see on the street corners in the middle of the day preparing for the penitentiary,

No more pleasing smiles from the boy I help create? Right! That damn hat will come up missing the next time he comes over to Daddy’s place. And, if he is ever caught with his pants like this: please prepare to read about me, Father Beats Son’s Azz Over Pants.

Written by Brian E. Payne. Inspired by that STUPID AZZ HAT!


Muata, The Shadow, The Black Rebel said...

Reader Response:

PRICELESS, BPayne. That was hilarious and right on. AMEN! I can't believe Judah's old enough to cop attitude--


Muata, The Shadow, The Black Rebel said...

Reader Response:

Too funny!!


Muata, The Shadow, The Black Rebel said...

Reader Response:

I envisioned Judah walking around the house with that hat on. I could not stop laughing. LOL!


Muata, The Shadow, The Black Rebel said...

Reader Response:

I'm sitting here with the biggest smile on my face. :-) I have this picture in my mind of the thumb sucking Judah that I met walking around with much attitude with that HAT on his head. I don't like those hats either..........I don't understand the purpose of wearing a hat that looks to big for ones head. The kids of today and their fashion statements.

Maybe he's just changing period and with that urban change comes things like "the HAT".

Also, you were crying watching Extreme Home're turning into a big marshmellow! LOL