Wednesday, September 03, 2008

The Tradeoff: Sexual Confidence or a Stiff One?

Football season may as well be in full swing. The NCAA had its season opener last Thursday, and on Labor Day night there was a game. As for NFL fans ‘First Sunday’ cannot get here fast enough. I am not talking about the ‘remembrance’ Sunday at the beginning of every month when churches conduct the consecrated elements of Eucharist. And, when church service for me was even more dreadful because it was longer. Boy, did I hate First Sunday’s: stale saltine chips, Food Lion brand grape juice, and an unrelenting pastor. What a horrible beginning of the week!

Typically, to start my day or week off I want a ‘release’. Not a rhetorical sermon: ‘Jesus is Lord. Jesus saves. So, come join the church.’ No, I need a little somethin’ prenuptial sinful to get me rejuvenated from a hectic weekend where I spent most of my time running errands, being a Saturday and Sunday Dad, and from having lengthy conversation after conversation with various family members. We all know that those chats can be emotionally draining – but the one thing some of us have to look forward to is a hot and steamy sex session. That’s if you have someone to get it on with. If not, you are on your own. You know what I mean!

According to an article I recently read, women are pretty much solo when it comes to sex. Countless reasons have been regurgitated over the years on the pages of female-oriented magazines. Reasons ranging from the brotha just can’t get it up to the sista feeling uncomfortable with the appearance of her body. Of course those fellas who have the limpness issue have extremely effective alternatives. I am sure you have seen the bombardment of Get and Stay Hard commercials during football season. If you have not just wait until after kick off on First Sunday: Viagra and Cialis Overload! And, women do have a ‘choice’ especially when the man is given an opportunity to voice his suggestion: ‘Just workout and loose that weight.’ He makes it sound so easy. Doesn’t he? However, sexual confidence is a complex issue for women and ultimately for a relationship/marriage. If a woman is not satisfied with her body, how can she fully acquire enough confidence to really put out? Really put out!

“USA Today reports that the number one reason women avoid sex is because they feel uncomfortable with how their bodies look.”

While this is not much of a newsflash for women, it is for the men I have talked with about this topic. Some of my boys thought it was all them: ‘Was I an asshole yesterday?’ Now, they understand that it may just be that wifey or girlfriend is not feeling content with her body today. This leaving them feeling a little better about themselves – but this does nothing for their spouse but intensify the self consciousness. Lost in an abyss of insecurity.

“In general, African-Americans experience more sexual dysfunction than Whites, and Hispanics experience fewer sexual problems. Black women are much more likely to experience low sexual desire, and to report less pleasure from sex, than White women. Hispanic women consistently reported the most satisfying lives.”

Where do we go from here? What mechanisms can be established/used to create the perfect setting for that love making encounter other than a Viagra-induced penis? The penis may be hard, but the emotions and self-concepts of girlfriend/wife are fragile.

Perhaps, men can gain some insight - and possibly women can attain some confidence from reading and answering the questions at the link below:

Conducting research and later communicating may just help those of us not getting that
on-going release.

Additional research suggestions:

June Dobbs Butts, one of the first African American sexologists. Her research and writings focus on sex, teenage pregnancy and AIDS. She has earned the reputation as the African American counterpart to the popular psychosexual therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer.;col1

Lynn Aurelia Norment, serves as a member on the Editorial Board of Ebony Magazine. She writes and edits various columns for Ebony Magazine including "Sisterspeak,";col1

Fellas, even with a hit of street sold Cialis or Viagra you may still be falling short. Besides, most women are not interested in you forcefully sexing her for hours!!

Written by Brian E. Payne. Inspired by one of the most tirelessly overrated, subject to devastating complication, and possibly unpleasing God creations: SEX.


Muata said...

Reader Response:

Interesting. Funny enough, I'm in my sexual prime, and I can't get enough! Brothas are not taking advantage LOL Did you hear about this book a woman wrote about giving her husband the "gift" of sex every day for a year? I question -- can sex be a "gift" when you are married? Hmmm....


Muata said...

Reader Response:

When r u going to publish these? I like where ur writing has gone...would make a nice book.


Muata said...

Reader Response:

Interesting is right. You ask the question how can a woman that is not satisfied with her body have the confidence to really put out? Easy, satisfying your partner has to be more important at that moment than how you feel about how your body looks. You can’t wonder how you look, your focus has to be on pleasing and satisfying your partner as well as yourself. Speaking from experience I have noticed that as I age, I have become more aware of how I feel about the way my body looks to me, and yes, it could interfere with my sexual confidence if I allowed it to, but I don’t. And yes, there are times when I may not appreciate the way I look on a certain day because maybe I ate too much, or didn’t exercise but I never allow that to interfere with getting with my partner. And yes, it is that easy, if your not satisfied with the way you look and it is effecting your sexual confidence, do something about it. It is that simple. Basically, it’s mind over matter and if you get it out of your mind, it wont' matter to your mate.


FREEDOM said...

I think this article is true. If you are NOT feeling your body you WILL be all shy and reserved. However, if you are with a sexual partner perferably your mate then you will feel comfortable at your body. But if you are just with Joe blow for a blow then yes you might feel shameful of your body.

The key for me NOW IS that I WILL NOT give my body away to a man that is NOT my husband. ONLY my husband WILL be someone who I know loves me and me him and I will BE confident in giving my body to HIM regardless of how it looks OR HOW I FEEL. Because we WILL be connected TO EACH OTHER in DEEPER MORE PROFOUND way that is more than skin deep!


Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

im addicted to sex
as well as football season
be safe folk

Muata said...

Reader Response:

Ok! B, this was GOOD ONE!!

I must use this in order to spark conversation with my PSY 2010 students! (Personality & Adjustments)


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