“Jesus has a very special love for you. As for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear.”
These are the words of Mother Teresa. She mumbled them to Reverend Michael Van Der Peet back in September of 1979. She was referring to her state of mind and spirit while working with the poor in Calcutta, India. A place where hopelessness was a part of daily life at the time, and as you can decipher, was a place where people like Mother Teresa who compassionately devoted time and effort to the poor people of India LOST faith in the perceived power of God. She subtly indicates that she was growing weary and that she was getting tired of waiting for a response from Jesus (Isaiah 40: 31).
The world’s greatest humanitarian icon insinuated a question and issued a subconscious command that I have been humbly articulating for years: “Where are you, God. Please show Yourself. Prove to the faithful that you are still King of the Throne.” The easy and typical Christian answer to my question: ‘God is present. You just have to believe that He is.’ Yes, this is the answer several of you reading would like to respond with, but at this junction of my life I have no faith in unison rehearsed and empty responses. No, I don’t! But, does this mean that I have totally lost all of my faith? Does it mean that I am an atheist? ‘I can see some of you trembling: Is Muata an atheist?’ Stop worrying. I have not lost or completely eliminated the belief in God from my life: theism. What I have simply done is re-instituted my Job-like questioning. Something I certainly believe the Lord wants us to do. Why shouldn’t we? We all know what the Believers believe does not make any sense at all. We know it does not add up. We know that the Believers believe because of their faith walk. Their reality has been consciously suspended in order to get on the road of salvation and to remain on the road to glory. The Believers' Christian message and New Testament traditionalism do not have to be coherent! Blindly trusting in God is all one needs to do (2 Corinthians 5:7).
Should we trust this God we apply so much reverence to? Should we really trust Him (2 Corinthians 1:9-10)? And, if you do trust The Most High ask yourself why. Is it because He has answered the prayers you claim you religiously offer-up or is it because your family trusted Him? I don’t need fideistic answers from anyone. No spiritual metaphysics, new thought belief, or ole time religion is necessary. My intentions are simple: I want us to be informed and reminded that the most faithful of us i.e. Mother Teresa had lengthy moments of suspended certitude. She essentially stopped believing that Jesus was present in the world despite what the Bible depicts. The book of man-written scripture does state that Jesus will not leave us and that His spirit is among those who do and don’t believe in and need him. But, the question, Where is He?, can be asked – and several of us know it is a legitimate question.
Perhaps, I am not praying right? Maybe, I am second guessing myself which in the rarefied church’s truth leads to sabotaging? Perhaps, I should go back to church? Surrounding myself with the Saints, the Beloved, and the Blessed & Highly Favored should help. Right? Maybe, I am forgetting about my Christian upbringing? Have I become too High and Mighty? Whatever I am doing, it must not be enough (Matthew 6: 33) or either I am rejecting God, His Son, and the Holy Ghost (2 Timothy 2: 19).
I should have a mustard seed of “favor” considering I have been devoutly praying for the soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan - but they are still getting their limbs blown-off. I have been praying that the Louisiana district attorney handling the Jena 6 case will change his heart (remove his racist convictions), and I have been consistently praying that I secure employment. I see your mind racing: ‘This is what this week’s commentary is about. Now, I know where Muata’s faithlessness discourse is coming from.’
Well, to be honest, yes, my present anti-believing writing platform does stem from my disappointment of not finding a job. I am tired of sending out resumes (over 300 in 3 years) to be told, “You are overqualified.” “While your experience is vast, we cannot appropriately compensate you.” And, this is the classic one, “Are you willing to take a significant pay cut?”
Pay cut? Let’s really talk about cutting. With all that occurs in this sickening world I am not only close to giving-up on God answering my getting-employed prayers, I am a step away from relinquishing all of my hope in things getting better for the world’s poor and the world’s forgotten. Keep in mind that the forgotten my just be all of us. Remember, God did promise us that His son would return. Unfortunately, Jesus’ return will be to CONDENM, and not to rescue us from the mess we have created. I find this to be so unfair: God creates the world. Claims He wants us to live abundantly, and then He sets us up for failure with His freewill concept.
“There is no hope for the future.” was Mr. Shakur’s thugly poetic message. He appears to be right, and it is the core message of Mother Teresa’s letters which are shared with us in a new book entitled, Come Be My Light – but we just pretend and force our imaginations to believe that ‘things will get better’ or that there is a “better place”. We have to do this in order to remain sane and moral. Imagine a society where no one believes in anything of significance. Imagine a world where no one gives back like The Compassionate One. Imagine if she would have quit after she lost hope. But, what is additionally significant is that we spend our lives trying to get to “glory” while never understanding that Allah wants us to have glory on what He created.
Muata is almost there (faithfully jaded), and he is not wanting to be in this mental and spiritual funk. He does not ‘trust’ like Peter did (Matthew 14:28-29). He wants to believe! He is in a storm now. Maybe a miracle will fall upon him? He does continue to pray that God does show Himself. If Jah does not, Muata will die broken-hearted by God’s unfulfilled promise. He did make us a promise (Romans 8: 18). Muata thinks we should pull The Lord of Host on the carpet. He needs to account for His lack of action and absenteeism!
As I close knowing that I sound so conflicted, please read the initial spiritual enthusiasm Mother Teresa had when she first began her journey to rectify the ills in India. She was full of faith. Living and sacrificing for the world changed her. Harden her. Defeated her. Watching God’s innocence and helpless perish – and His lack of response caused her to question just as Moses did when he needed ‘identity’ clarification from God (Exodus 3:13).
"It is not enough for us to say, 'I love God, but I do not love my neighbor’… God had made himself the hungry one — the naked one — the homeless one. Jesus' hunger is what you and I must find and alleviate…radiating joy is real because Christ is everywhere — Christ in our hearts, Christ in the poor we meet, Christ in the smile we give and in the smile that we receive."
Written by Muata. Inspired by Mother Teresa. I finally found someone who the Believers may not shoot-down because she lost her faith. I am waiting on your bullet, Mrs. Christian. Inspired by my hope that I will regain ALL of my faith in God. Getting a job will not completely do it for me nor becoming a best selling writer will do it for me. I need for this God of ours to remove all of the pain we bear as a result of His failure.
I ain't no devil. I am your subconscious.
My book, Exposing Christianity – My Way of Sharing an Alternative to the Church’s Truth, official release date is November 12, 2007. Ordering details, book signings, Meet the Author socials, and book readings are forthcoming. Stay with me, FAMILY.