Thursday, August 24, 2006

Rio is not the Problem

The September issue of Essence magazine is packed with celebrity news. Beyonce declares Jay-Z is the only one for her and Janet Jackson indicates that she will marry JD if he proposes. The most intriguing article for me, however, is not filled with gossip. No, the article that grabs my attention has the word sex in its title. Hey, I am not the only man driven by the word sex. Chill!

My initial impulse ordered me to flip through the pages until I reached page 204, but I could not follow the command. I had to stop at page 11. On p. 11 there is a picture of Gabrielle Union. There was no way I was going to continue without lusting over Ms. Union. When I finally made it to p. 204 I was hit with disappointment until I glanced over to p. 205. On page 205 there is a picture that keeps me attentive in more than one way. Of course the picture is of another woman. A sexy woman in a bikini. It was then that I began to understand more clearly why Brazil and sex has such a close relationship. Yes, I have always known Brazil is a beautiful place and I have surely been clued in on what the fellas do when in Rio, but assistant professor of history at Spelman College, William Jelani Cobb, tells the world why so many black men are fascinated with traveling to Brazil.

I have thought about Brazil in a way that excites me and depresses me. Allow me to share with you my thoughts. Continue to read.

Traveling to Brazil sounds exotic. It sounds like an adventure. Adventure. Whew! While keeping my eyes closed to daydream about Brazil I visualized a beach with white sand, crystal clear blue water, an amazing view of a sunset, and women with beautiful copper colored skin. When I decided to open my eyes there was a hesitation. I began to think about the amount of sex thousands of single, engaged, married, young, and old men have with some of the most GORGEOUS women on the face of the earth while vacationing in Brazil. Sun, beach, relaxation, and an unlimited supply of Brazilian women. What more could a man ask for? Not only, are they chill’in to the utmost, but the price for the sex is at a cheap rate! Then my eyes opened completely. I began to think it would be nice to get a tan and relax for a week, but the sex thing would be an issue. I just can’t get pass: The exploitation of the poverty stricken, hopeless, and desperate Brazilian women that get paid thirty US dollars to have unlimited sex with an American or European man.

Mr. Cobb did a wonderful job of informing women of what really happens in Rio. It was almost like he was disclosing something new. Black men for years have been “getting away” from the hostile environment America has created. Actually, when we (men and women) vacation we are attempting to leave our real worlds behind us. Right? Black men traveling to Brazil to score is not the issue. The real issue is two fold. Black men are at war with the system and within his culture. He has to battle the powers of authority at work and then he has to, in some cases, come home to a newly cultured woman who believes and acts like she is the man of the house. Where can a black man go to retreat with this type of scenario? I will tell you where he goes in a city near you. He goes to Barley’s, he goes to H20, he goes to his boy’s basement, and he even goes to Magic City and Club 55.

He goes anywhere but to his place of refuge: Home. Why should he go if he cannot have the peace he needs and desires?

Don’t get me wrong I am all for a man addressing his issues on the professional front and on the home front. Some of you reading, particularly women are probably thinking, ‘Then he should man up and not go to Rio with the intentions to bang the Brazilian chicks!’ Easier said than done, Ms. Lady. A man will behave like the animal he is when he does not feel love, when he does not get the attention he needs, when he is not catered to, and when he feels trapped. We are like a tiger backed into a corner. Yeah, we will get out, but we will viciously devour everything in our path.

What stands out the most to me in the article is what I believe to be glossed over. A couple of men alluded to how they feel while in Brazil. “These girls make me feel like a million dollars...” When was the last time you heard a black man say that about his girlfriend or wife? “They stroke the hell out of your ego.” My brothas, when was the last time you said this about your woman? I am just asking because I understand this Brazil and sex relationship as a man’s way to feel like a man again.

He could be sexing everything that moves while in Brazil. He could be spending all his hard earned money on the sex. Both acts can be issues depending on where you stand on the subject. However, let’s not forget he is probably there because he is trying to escape. Escape his reality. Instead of condemning him (like most religious people do) let’s investigate the real issue.

You can say, ‘Brian, stop making excuses for those dogs and reckless men. And, stop blaming the woman for his flawed self-concept.’ I can understand why you would say this. What I cannot understand is your inability to think about why Tyrone is “releasing” even when he is on US soil. I also cannot understand why some women fail to acknowledge that women “get away” too, and while getting away they seek the same thing men complain about i.e. not getting attention, not being catered to, etc. Evidence of this is on page p. 207. Read the short article entitled, Sex on the Beach. In this article the anonymous woman tells the world about her and her girlfriends’ escapades while vacationing in Jamaica. Don’t focus on the sexual experiences these married women say they partake in while on vacation without their husbands. Notice the following statements: “It’s just that sometimes I wish he (my husband) would romance me and tell me I’m beautiful.” and “We felt like the most beautiful women to grace the earth.”

Rio is not the problem!

We (black men and women) have to dialogue and CONTINUE to do the things we did to get our mates.

Written by Muata. Inspired by the Brazilian woman on page 205.

16 comments:

FREEDOM said...

I wonder why men find it hard to commit to one woman. I am not talking about the woman that is not being a woman to her MAN. But, the WOMAN that is being the virtuous woman to her man. She is in tune to his every need. She is sexing him up continuously. She is supporting him. She is diligently praying for him. She is appreciating and uplifting him. She speaks to him in a loving manner. If she has a problem with him, she effectively communicates her concerns to her man, not with everybody else first. She truly enjoys his company, and can truthfully say,’ I really like my man’. In fact she is in love with him. She is cooking and cleaning, and remembering to be spontaneous, so that the relationship does not get dull and loss its savor. She is sacrificing for the good of the relationship. She is catering to her man, like the Destiny Child’s song, “Cater 2 U”.

So the real question is: Why are men finding it hard to commit solely to this type of woman? This woman has graced this man’s life with her presence; will he be ready to receive and give LOVE? Or will lust rule the day.

Muata said...

Response to Fellow Blogger Freedom:

Freedom-

I wish I could explain this to you so you and millions of other women would understand.

It is not that men find it hard to commit to the woman you have described. This is not the issue. Some men want to commit, some want to be faithful; and some are. However, the men who cheat are cheating because they can, because he believes he will not get caught, because he wants to have a main chick and a side chick or chicks.

Some people say that the man that cheats is insecure, weak, has a low self-esteem, etc. I necessarily do not believe this assessment. But, if this is the case, does this mean women who cheat are the same?

I have always said that a man will cheat on a woman for NO reason at all. The sooner a woman understands that (not accept it) she will be better off. I don't expect any woman to agree with me on this point, but there are countless women who know their man is a cheater, and they just carry on like there is nothing wrong. I have actually heard some women say to their husbands/men, "Do what you do. Just don't bring the crap to my house and don't disturb my way of living with your extracurricular activities."

Muata does not have the answer on this one. I do know one thing: women sharing men has been going on for YEARS. Years!

We may want to investigate polygamy more indepthly. Don't dismiss this. For hundreds of cultures it works out just fine.

-Muata

FREEDOM said...

Muata-

Saying that a man cheats for No reason at all is unacceptable. There is a reason; it is called not being disciplined. Men and women have to stop making excuses for this destructive behavior. Training the mind and body to be faithful to one woman/man will take hard work. It is a skill that you first, must want to engage in and then continually practice and train for, just like you are preparing for a Marathon. The Marathon of Life, remember that commentary, it takes devotion. It will take much skills and practice.

What happened to praying and seeking God to help us be the people that we desire to be? Then actually listening to His instructions and then carrying them out.

You are right that women and men have to stand up and say, ‘enough is enough’. And refuse to be disrespected and mistreated.

How can the modern day man afford to take care of more than one wife, when he can barely take care of one wife and a couple of kids? The cultures that have many wives, the man also have to have the ability to financial support ALL of their wives and ALL of their children that will certainly result from having intercourse with several wives. So will this really increase one’s happiness? Or are you becoming a liar who has to remember what he or she has said, and forfeit from being a TRUTH TELLER.

Muata said...

Reader Response:

I almost didn't finish reading the e-mail, after the first sentence. However, I felt compelled to, simply because I am sick and tired of people throwing sex around as if it's confetti. They abuse it, misunderstand it and then not really know what to do. Heaven forbid if most people really took time to make and find love, instead of sex all the time.

I believe a man or a woman that is true to self, understands what it is to find peace within, and is able to overlook the nonsense society puts in front of them. I myself feel very strongly about my beliefs and self respect that I don't fall, nor go along with what other people do in this lifetime, unless they mean something to me.

In my lifetime, I have dealt with wonderful strong men, sure of self, and absolutely content with being with me, whether in the moment or in a committed relationship. It sickens me to continue to read articles that, in my opinion, have no substance when it comes to peace, humanity and faith in your God.

One thing I know for myself is that the man I choose as my life partner will be more like me than not like me. I plan to marry my best friend and confidant. The two of us will understand that we are different in many ways, but alike in most. We will accept and appreciate each others difference and know that sex is with anyone, but true love making and intimacy comes with inner peace and self serenity.

Getting away to Brazil for a moment of fun, can give a lot of men, and women (getting away) a life long pain, and maybe a death sentence. I choose not to play in those water.

Peace.

-RS

Muata said...

Reader Responses:

I agree a 100% with the last statement that you made “We (black men and women) have to dialogue and CONTINUE to do the things we did to get our mates.” However, my only problem that I have with these men and women that feel the need to escape from the reality of the real world is that world is no matter where they escape to or from the problems/issues they had before you escape to this fairy-tale land. Their real world will still be there when they return back to reality. Also I think we need to stop trying to be something that we really are not and just allow people to see the true person that we are when they first meet us. My motto is “what you see is what you get”.

Now I have a question for you: Why is it that men always say they would love to have a woman who treats them like they are a king and is willing to do whatever they would like for them to do to please them? But when they get a woman like that, it appears that it still is not enough for them. To be honest, I think men really do not know what they really what from a woman. The only thing that they know probably is what they desire on a lustful basic from a woman, not what they truly need from her. Men really need to pray and ask God to show them the woman that he has designed just for him not for someone else. After all, the Bible says in Proverbs 18:22 “when a man finds a wife he finds a good thing and receives favor with the Lord”.

The only thing I have to say is that we need to stop making excuses and find a solution to our problems. After all, we cannot continue blame other people for our deep rooted issues, but begin the process for doing a self-examination and start loving ourselves first and allowing God to order our steps with everything else.

-AG

PREACH!!!

-KM

Muata said...

Reader response and Muata responses:

Your writings have substance and does a great job of provoking thought. I'd like to provide feedback to you and your readers regarding "cheating" and accepting vs. understanding. It appears that the popular thought on the subject of cheating boils down to deceptions and untruths about sexual commitments. Rarely are the other critical parts of male/female relationships held to such a high degree of importance though they eventually end with similar results. Financial and emotional commitments are two of several areas that are "compromised" in relationships and can be just as or more devastating to either partner. You suggested to the female reader that she would be better off understanding rather than accepting that a man will cheat for NO reason at all. This is like suggesting to a male reader to understand that a woman will possess characteristics of envy, manipulation, or possessiveness for NO reason at all.

Like it or not, there IS a reason. My perspective is simply that we are inherit rather than acquire such characteristics. We do what we do consciously which makes our actions a part of who we are. Most men don't want to accept that they are weak to the flesh. Most women refuse to accept that men are weak to the flesh. Most women don't want to accept that they have a need for attention, communication, and security. Most men don't understand why women have these needs and dismiss them at times as petty thus the cycle of frustration, deception, and pain. TRUTH TELLING HUH? Who really is ready for it?

-PM

PM-

Cheating is something people do because they can. It is an option. We often times forget that in America this type of behavior is FULLY accepted by the masses. We have not condemned it in a manner that is forceful. Cheating fits into the America culture. It does. Think about it. Lying is an accepted mode of behavior. We do it in the board room, we do it at church, we do it when communicating with our friends, and we do it so much it is ingrained in our society. Do we actually expect cheating to just go away? This will not happen until all of us reject this destructive lifestyle that has been implemented and encouraged by our system.

A great depiction of American culture is a soap opera. Watch one. Cheating, lying, and stealing are common place occurrences on these shows. America the soap opera.

-Muata

FREEDOM said...

Just because it is permitted in America is No excuse to compromise and betray one’s self. It all boils down to an individual choice. If “We have not condemned it in a manner that is forceful”; what will it take to condemn this in a manner that will be forceful?

My real concern is for our children. They are the ones that are witnessing daddy have different lady friends. They are the ones that see their mommy cry herself to sleep at night, because it is 4 am and she does not know where her man is. They are the ones that have to call all these different men that their mother brings home ‘uncle’. And guess what, they are the ones that will grow up and repeat this viscous cycle that they saw mommy and daddy DO.

It is your S. E. X., think before you let GO !!

Muata said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Muata said...

Reader responds, Muata responds, and reader responds:

Muata-
This has aroused many emotions for me as well. I wanted to comment yesterday when I read it but did not have an opportunity to do so. Here are my two scents!

I agree in part with your final solution to the problem of cheating, lying, etc. which was "We (black men and women) have to dialogue and CONTINUE to do the things we did to get our mates."

This solution is myopic and does not address how men and women have to learn to communicate effectively with each other. Men and women have been socialized differently and the way in which we communicate is different. We should dialogue about relationships and how best to maintain them but we have to bridge the communication gap. One of the people that responded to your blog felt that we inherit dishonesty and the other respondent made a similar root cause assumption that because dishonesty is accepted by the masses we follow suit. This is a classic discussion regarding nature versus nurture.

What I hope we are able to do in the future is look critically at what we were taught, what is accepted by our peers, community and society at large and glean from it what is healthy and progressive and throw out what isn't. We have to define what effective communication is, what a healthy relationship looks like and live it no matter how everyone else is living. Society at large should not be the measuring tool for what is right and unless we have positive peers and a supportive community they shouldn't either. "The hardest thing to do and the right thing to do is oftentimes the same thing" (The Weather Man). It is so easy to do wrong. We have to be accountable and responsible for our actions. We have to look at ourselves and love what we see. We have to have integrity. One of your respondents posed the question "TRUTH TELLING HUH? Who really is ready for it?" Please tell them that I am. People don't like honesty but they respect it. When the anger leaves the respect remains and that is how you maintain a healthy relationship.

Love & Light,
-SB

SB-
Thanks for responding. Your response is thought-provoking.

As I read the numerous responses, I am wondering if monogamy is something we should re-evaluate. Does it really "fit" into the direction the American culture is headed?? Think about the increase in the divorce rate. The amount of cheating that takes place. Do we really think there will be a decline in divorce considering the culture we have created i.e. selfishness, egotistical behavior, arrogance, self-centeredness, sense of entitlement, etc? Do we really believe men and women will stop cheating as long as we are raised in a system/culture that breeds insecurity?

-Muata

Muata-
Thank you! I have two more scents to add....

Insecurity promotes cheating, unhealthy relationships and ultimately divorce. Insecurity stems from measuring yourself against external values.

I think having an honest discussion around monogamy is an important one. Not that many African-Americans identify with African culture but in Africa polygamy is practiced and more accepted. Not that I think this is the solution.....but whether we agree with it or not it is practiced here in an unconscious and unhealthy way.

I go back to pushing the responsibility back on individuals to define what is healthy for them and let that be their measure not what society thinks (I can't say this enough). Internal measures of success increases ones security and fulfillment. If you create your existence and define your relationship you will be happy; and if other people can be included (like Will and Jada's relationship) then you are bound to have a happy marriage. If two people want to be monogamous and honor that, they too are bound to have a happy marriage.

This individual creation and defining is what will reduce divorce rates and increase marital bliss. We have to live in the spirit of Kujichagalia.

Love & Light,
-SB

FREEDOM said...

The Diary of a Woman who has Lived with a Cheater: I am a woman who will admit, I knew my man was cheating on me, and opted to stay with him.

This is kind-of long, so please bare with me.

I remember meeting my ex-husband at the age of 18. We had an instant connection. I asked if he had a girlfriend. He replied, “No”. Later I found out that he did have a girlfriend. He gave me his pager number and one day after paging him a girl called me back. She said that he left his pager over to her house. He eventually called me back and I asked him why did he lie to me about having a girlfriend. He replied, “Since, you wouldn’t have sex with me, I had to release myself’. I told him it was over. Then this girl keeps harassing me. So what do I do, I say to myself, since she will not leave me alone, I am going to talk to her Man. Childish, Right? I know. At the time I wanted revenge. After a while of that I said to myself this is not worth it. So I told him to leave me alone. Of course that is when he wants to commit to me and want to have a relationship with me. So, silly me said okay.

This Man and I moved in together. I notice codes on his pager, like 911 and so forth. I question him about this and he gave me these lame excuses. Then I find a number in his jean pocket, I called it and it is some girl. I know you are saying I would have left his a%^ alone from the first time. Believe me, I was one of those women who said, “My man better never cheat on me, because if he does it is Over”. How quickly we have to eat those words when we make the mistake of falling in love with a Cheater.

I am one woman who will admit that I knew my man was cheating on me, and I stayed with him. I was brought up in the church. I knew how much God loved me and that Jesus was my Savior and the Holy Spirit was my Guide, but my heart would not let me let him go. I tell you, when you allow your heart to get into the situation, you find yourself eating all those things that you said you would NEVER do. Please do not judge me.

It is a true statement, what goes around comes back around. Me trying to be nasty to this other girl and in the end I allowed this Man to dog me out worst than he ever did her.

This is the part I still cannot believe I allowed to happen to me; this man cheated on me and got another girl pregnant while we were together.

I said this child had nothing to do with what their parents did, and I was willing to love this child as my own. However, the baby mama did not want me to have anything to do with the child, and my so call Man was letting her have her way. He was scare of being put on child support, so he said.

Mine you I am working hard. Trying to go to school, needless to say my grades started suffering. Cooking and cleaning. Encouraging him to be a better Man and he betrays me like this. In my mind I am still thinking that things could work out. I am thinking it was a mistake we can still make our relationship work. Of course, he was deeply sorry, but he continued to cheat on me with this woman, and I knew about it. I am still thinking what in the H#%& was I thinking. Again, the heart is one of those muscles that will hold you captive to things you know you need to let go.

Guess what? I married this Man. I know, I cannot believe it either. We had history together whether it was good or bad, it was history. He was supposedly this changed Man. I left him several times before we got married, but I kept going back to him. I had other guys that tried to Holla, but I could not shake him. I was thinking if we were married, surely he would honor his vows. That is why; ladies do not marry men that are not spiritually yoked to you, because if he does not have a belief system that will hold him accountable for his wrong actions he will continue to do them. If he is not believing and practicing what you believe, please let him go. I know it will painful to do, but it is better now than later.

After five years of marriage and six years of living with him before we were married, I finally let him go. At the age of 30, I finally said, “enough is enough” with this Man. Thank God we did not have any children together.

But wait, this destructive pattern is not completely over yet. I go and fall for another Man that I know has a girlfriend. We are not dating, but I like this guy. I know I should not like this guy, because I was just in a relationship that I did not want any other woman trying to entice my man. This Man that I think I want, but is taken, I am going to let him go, because if he cheats on her with me. He will cheat on me with someone else. Fellas, please stop engaging with these women that have no self-respect. Yes, I will say it; I have no self-respect if I continue with this behavior. Where in the world have my self-respect, self-worth, and self esteem gone?

These are truths about me that I am finally ready to address. They are ugly, but true. Now, the question is what is Freedom going to do? First, I am going to start back reading my Bible and going to church faithfully to gain the valuable teachings from my Heavenly Father, Jesus my Lord and Savior, and the Comforter the Holy Spirit. I am going to put these teachings into action. I have a huge task ahead of me with retraining my mind, body and soul to view myself with the self love I desire to have. And LOVE myself like my Heavenly Father LOVES me.

I am going to commit to Loving my Heavenly Father with all my heart, mind, body, soul, and strength. And next I am going to Love myself, fully and completely. I am going to stay in constant prayer and guard my heart against thieves by giving it to God. I will respect myself and teach others to do the same. I am going to read books and surround myself with loving supportive people that will enlighten me on true happiness that comes from within. I am going to have the courage to let go of some things that I think I need to hold on to, but are not good for me.

Muata, thank you for allowing God to drive you to write this piece, which in turn has allowed me to face the truth about myself. I am finally ready to embark on a new self journey that entails getting in the gutter of my behavior and allowing God to clean me up. God Bless you, and keep doing what you do best!

Muata said...

Response to fellow Blogger Freedom-

Freedom-
Sharing your story will hopefully help someone. It appears the commentary has helped you "dig deep". Thanks for digging.

All of us have huge holes we can dig. The mistakes we make help make us who we are. Learning from our mistakes is the part that seldom occurs. We, for some reason, continue with behavior that's dangerous and deadly. It is like we are more attracted to those things that are not good for us. Should we toss this up as being human? Should we be okay with being flawed? What do we have to do to be "clean as snow"?

Maybe are disobedience is something we cannot shake. Even when we are doing right, we for some reason end up messing up the serenity that we have created.

Life is difficult. Let's continue to strive to do what is best for ourselves. In the end, you will have nothing but yourself, and you will have to account for your time on this earth. A earth that's being destroyed by your counterparts: HUMANS.

-Muata

FREEDOM said...

Muata-

My Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, I pray will help someone. I felt someone out there
needed to know that they are not alone. I just thank God, and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and the Comforter, which is the Holy Spirit for being there for me. Even though, I thought they were No Where To Be Found (NWTBF), they were there all the time, but I was the one who was NWTBF. Just like when God came looking for Adam and Eve, and they were hiding from Him because they had done the one thing that they knew, they were not suppose to do. They had eaten the Forbidden Fruit.

I was ashamed of the things that I allowed myself to go through. Yes, I allowed myself to go through this pain and disgrace. You are right; being disobedient can lead to an endless oasis of suffering. A hard head will make a soft behind; mama was right about that. I had to learn and still am learning that nothing new has happened under the sun. The same things I endured, women have endured for centuries. However, the end of this cycle is being obedient. I must be obedient and seek righteousness, which for me, my righteousness is in Christ Jesus. He is the one that will teach me the essence of keeping righteousness in the forefront.

We must Listen. It is true that the mistakes and the things that we go through make who we are. However, if we would only LISTEN, listen to those people that have been there and done that. The people that are trying to save us from making the same mistakes they made. The people that are trying to save us from unnecessary heartaches. For me, experience is NOT the best teacher, for the things that I do not have to go through, if I would only stop and listen. Do not get me wrong, there are certain things that we MUST go through, they are destined for us. But, all that other life experiences that can be avoided by listening is what I am talking about.

I will never be perfect, but I will strive to be the best person I can be. Life is difficult, but it is less difficult having loving people in your corner and for me having my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Jesus was often quoted saying, “O ye of little FAITH”. I have faith that things will be better for me and others, I can never loss sight of that. I will learn from my experiences, choices, destructive, dangerous, deadly behavior. This cycle must end, and I am willing to make the change. To step out there on FAITH, and only look back to see how far I have come. Life is what we make of it, taking it one day at a time. Never forgetting to stop and smell the roses! Learning from ourselves and others, is key for going through the storm, rather than being stuck in it! I got my mind made up and won’t turn back, because I want to see MY JESUS someday!! Fire, Fire, Fire. Fire fall on me, just like on the Day of Pentecost, fire fall on ME!!

FREEDOM said...

If I simply step forward in faith and believe, then I will begin to see the miracles God can do with my life! I don’t believe He brought me this far to leave me. I must always remember where I have been and never forget where I am going. God has brought me from a mighty long way, and I want to spend the rest of my time on planet earth doing unto others as I want done unto ME. Because I do realize that I will have to give an account on Judgment Day. I will continue to pray for my counterparts, because we are ALL Human.

S.S. said...

You have a very interesting take on the article. I have not read it so I cannot comment on the article; however, I would like to make a few comments on your perspective, as well as some of the comments.


First of all, I disagree with the comment that men cheat because they can. Men and women cheat because they are lacking something at home; they cheat because they have urges to fulfill; a desire to satisfy; a lustful need that it is readily available. We cannot forget that we are man, God’s creation and we are not perfect. To maintain a fulfilling faithful relationship requires commitment, understanding, constant communication, God and adjustments to life changes. I think that a relationship is like a business partnership – you have to discuss obstacles, look forward to the rewards, and tweak the plan of action in order to get the desired results. You have to accept each other faults, weaknesses and build from each others strengths.

You are saying that this is easier said than done. Well no one said that it was easy. I am merely saying that this is what it takes. The honest truth is – we are all succumb to cheating, as honest as we think we may be, as faithful as we want to be. Why? It is actually exciting. It takes you out of the normal mode of operation for one minute. There is actually someone else who is listening to what your mate does not want to listen too; there is actually someone else that is filling a void – it may be sex; it may be laughter; it may be acceptance, and whatever that void is, it takes willpower to suppress.

I can appreciate understanding a man who cheats, but I cannot accept it. To say that “you did not provide me with what I needed” is as simple as saying “you need to provide me with…” Why can’t women and men communicate effectively? Isn’t it all about communication and accepting each other? Any relationship whether platonic or emotional, requires time, communication, honesty, respect, diligence and commitment. We are all HUMANS and we are not perfect. However if we are in committed relationship we should try to be honest and accept when a relationship is no longer fulfilling and workable and relinquish ourselves of a situation that is not desirable.

Muata said...

Reader Response:

I think humans (not necessarily men) will act on our desires and wants like animals when we feel something is lacking. However I do not think that vacation "quickies" and getaways are a solution to the real issue. Yes, sometimes people have vacation relationships because there is missing at home, but sometimes they are a pure result of greed and lust. We see it and we want it. Relationships are not always simple-but nor are they always hard.

I agree that communication is PARAMOUNT and if wants and needs are not and cannot be met through honest/open communication (a hard thing to do sometimes) then maybe the relationship is not a good fit. This does not mean that as soon as you hit a rough patch you say "ok, i'm out" but it does mean that after you have really tried, sometimes the best solution is to walk away; not stay and cheat, lie, and by the end you've lost respect for your partner and yourself.

-SB

Muata said...

Reader Response and Muata Responds:

you forgot to mention that - - as we have always heard you've got to "pay to play" and many men who choose "play" in Brazil eventually (along with their girlfriends & wives) end up "paying" with their lives and lively hood because they come home infected with a host of sexually transmitted diseases including HIV. (Let us not forget the "quarantine of 50+ people the porn industry a couple of years ago after a Black porn star came back from a 2-week trip from Brazil and found out that he had contracted HIV and by the end of the story he had in turn infected i think 10 other people here in the US) And considering the recent Dateline story Aids in Black America: Out of Control and just the general knowledge that in America 50% of all new HIV diagnoses are Black Americans you would think that Black men specifically (and women because a lot of sisters get down like that)and all men in general would wise up and realize that every thing that glitters ain't gold and just because the door is open doesn't mean you need to go in.

-AR

Ar-

The rising infection numbers among the African American population is staggering. I am often times amazed at the carelessness we (all people) display. It is like we are purposefully trying to kill ourselves. Maybe this is a subconscious way of doing it. There have been studies conducted that indicate that people actually want to die, but fail to know or understand that they do, and this is the reason why we are so reckless.

-Muata