Thursday, June 22, 2006

The Tables Need to Stop Turning

The Tables Have Turned: Not a Good Thing

There are men who are joyously dancing. There are men who are gloating. There are men who are foolishly content. Why? Because the Tables Have Turned. Brian, what do you mean? Well, the man does not have to court a female any longer. He does not have to commit. He does not have to do his part to maintain a relationship. The single black man in Atlanta and other major metropolitan areas do not have to be respectful, courteous, honest, forthright, sincere, faithful, and all the other things that should be done to do right by her, and he still gets the woman and everything that comes along with her i.e. sex, never ending supply of dates, etc. The Tables Have Turned.

Twenty years ago the majority of black men would open the door for his date. He would pay for the meal. He would return calls. He would walk the female to the car. He would drive. He would show unwarranted affection. He would listen. He would positively respond to concerns. He would validate feelings. He would caress during sex. He would even spoon. Ladies, not anymore. The man is riding high on the fumes of nine women to one man.

If you really think about. What did women expect? Did women expect the man to respond differently? If so, why in the world would you believe that? Yeah, I know: ‘He should just do the right thing.’ Move to earth! This is not the way it works anymore. It should function differently, but in the real world things move along with what is permitted. The flow of water can be stopped if it is turned off. Flooding can be prevented if the hole in the levy is sealed. ‘Okay, Brian, are you saying women have allowed this behavior?’ YES, I AM SAYING THAT. You are the one who takes out your purse when the check comes. You are the one who runs straight to the passenger side without allowing the man to open the door for you. You are the one who allows the man to sex you without any form of intimacy. You are the one who will say to the man, ‘Oh, you do not have to call, I know you are entirely too busy.’ You are the one who dates men who cannot articulate his feelings, and then you expect him to understand yours. You are the one who will not allow him to pursue you. You can tell me I am wrong. That is fine, but for some of you the guilt is consuming you as you read this.

Is this new development a good thing? Of course not! It is a problem when there are numerous men saying to themselves, ‘Man, there are too many women out there for me to be sweating her. I am moving on to the next one.’ This mentality is destructive. It is a problem we definitely could do without in the black community. What happens to the black family when the tables are turning? How should the man respond? Well, it is simple; the man needs to first and foremost do right by her. This entails: diligently putting forth an effort to sustain the relationship, listen and respond with compassion, be interested in what your woman has to say, communicate your feelings, make honesty a priority, show respect and treat her as if she is your mother or daughter, and basically bring back the elements of courtship. Chivalry would not be dead if men and women valued it.

Women, it is simple for you too. All you have to do is get fed-up. When you get fed-up you will set boundaries. I just ask that you get fed-up and set the boundaries sooner rather than later because the man will more than likely not change his destructive behavior until he is FORCED. Force him! You are not responsible for him. I know. Just remind him what is expected and necessary to get in those panties.

Now, the fellas are probably wondering why in the world did Brian write this. No need to ponder. It needed to be said. You know I am right. If not, challenge me. Tell me where I am wrong. We can discuss this like men. I am just writing from experience. Believe me, I am not throwing stones. My verdict has been read: Guilty on all counts!

Written by Brian E. Payne. Inspired by the few women who are getting fed-up.

10 comments:

FamnBlan said...

I hear what your saying Brian, but is it that the women are pulling our their wallets or allowing these mens to have sex with them with no enticing OR is it that the men have taken advantage of this situation??? I think we are both to blame here...men have taken advantage of the lonely woman....and the woman that makes it easy for them! Both need to take a stand!!

Muata said...

Reader Responses:

The answer is clear and you are right: Women allow it. But if I may quote Michael Baisden, "women have become emotionally detached" and that allows them (women) to have the right to get what she wants, when she wants, and how she wants. Women are more independent now and a lot stronger because we have had to take on a much bigger role in the world and the life of our families. Don't get me wrong it does not give men the right to not do right by us. You'll be surprised at how many men who maybe being treated the same way by women…Yes the tables have turned, but the black family is the one really losing.

-LG

You are the one (men) who jumps on and takes the ride. You are a man who should be able to decide what type of woman he wants to be involved with, so there is something about this that men really like. If the man chooses to be the real man in a situation he can surely make it so.
Today a lot of men, unless the woman pays or "buys him" she gets no affection.

I have chosen to be alone because men today are hard to read. They will wine and dine you the first time, then “the tables turn".

-ES

The tables are turning and there is no end in sight for everybody. Yawls are trying to change history, but we men brought this on ourselves, and women no matter how fed-up they get it is a matter of supply and demand for them.

-RW

Muata said...

Reader Responses and Muata Response:

Blessed be the man who speaketh from the heart. I commend you for this commentary and for admitting to your own convictions. I and several of my girlfriends have reached this point and have set boundaries. Some of these boundaries are excluding black men from our dating class altogether while others choose to not date at all and simply focus on God. I know women who have moved away from Atlanta calling it the modern day Sodom & Gommorah. It has gotten very hard out here for the black single female and I ask you.....who do you hold accountable for the many
broken homes and broken relationships? I say not the women! We are doing our part as mothers, girlfriends, and bread-winners. It is time for the black male race to rise, take a stand as men, become the backbone of the family, begin raising their children to be leaders and not followers. For only a man can lead a nation and a family not a woman because she was not formed as a whole being, she was formed from a rib, a man's rib.

Keep the enlightenment my brother.

-KE


Your response is on point. I think most of the responsibility lies with the black man. I can admit that. The black woman has been there through thick and thin. Undeterred and steadfast! Bless you and the other strong ones!

However, I hope we do not focus too much of our time on attributing the responsibility: Blaming. We are aware of the issue, and we need to do something about it. What? You said it: “the black man needs to rise”. Also, I am convinced the situation will drastically change if the black woman: Gets Fed-up and set boundaries.

I ask that you and your other girlfriends hold on. Give the brother a little more time. Do it for the race! Do it for our ancestors. We have to. The magnitude of this is enormous, and in my book it will not be POSITIVE at all.

By the way, it interesting, surprising, and disappointing that only one man has responded to this commentary. I find this to be disheartening.

-Muata

Muata said...

Reader Response:

Brian/Muata-
According to you, only two men have responded to the commentary. That even speaks volumes. Maybe they are really thinking about this with thoughts of making a change if they need to do so or maybe they are blowing it off. Either way, some responses to get a male perspective would be nice. Anyway, I am so disappointed in the black man. I have devoted my entire life to him. I have given and given. I have sacrificed and sacrificed. I may not have been the best wife or girlfriend, but one thing I can say is I have been in the black man’s corner. Now, after 2 years of marriage my black man left me holding the bag. He left me in the corner with nothing but heartache. He moved on to the “international chick”. A new look. She is the in thing now. Well! Now, I must move on, but I am moving on to NOTHING. What is in store for me and thousands more: the sistas! God be with us! We need His help on all issues. This one will BREAK us if we do not do what is RIGHT (both men and women).

-Hurt, frustrated, disappointed sista

FREEDOM said...

It is true, what you allow someone to do to you, they will do it!! I do not believe that we, black woman, have NOTHING to look forward to in the Black Man. The Black Man has a host of issues, this is true. They are trying to be the “MAN”, FRONT in front of their boys, hide their true feelings, and try to get all the booty they can get.

HIV/AIDS is REAL, hello; it is killing the black race. Just like cancer it is a silent killer, and the risky sexual behavior of both black males and females is alarming.

Call me an optimist, but I truly believe if you really love someone, even though you could get ALL the booty in the world you want, you still, would not cross that line. I am talking about TRUE LOVE here, not lust, but that love that you can’t wait to get home to talk to your mate, and they can’t wait to see you walk through the door. The kind of LOVE that you know, that you know, GOD has given you ALL that you need and more wrapped up in this ONE individual. I am not saying everyday is perfect, but you can discuss and release your fears to one another. I know I am living in 2006, but I refuse to give up on true love and the Black Man. I know that GOD is GOD, and he is in control of my life if I allow him to be, and he will send the REAL DEAL Black Man looking for me, and I will answer, HERE I AM. I heard this man at a conference say, “If I get hunger I know how to go home and eat.” He was saying if he becomes tempted, he reminds himself that he can go HOME and get everything that he needs to satisfy is hunger.

I must respect myself and teach others how to respect me, this is key for the black woman

I have been a victim of many of these things as a woman that was mentioned in this commentary, but it was because I forgot who I was. I am GOD’s child and he loves ME very dearly. Now it is time for ME to LOVE MYSELF very dearly as well. I will continue to PRAY for the black race and PRAY that GOD will have mercy upon us ALL.

Muata said...

Reader Response:

The call to arms is NOW - we need to stand up and prove to the women in our lives that we are capable of running things. Stand up and care for your kids, love your women and be the men that your fathers were to you.....wait.....if your fathers were fathers!!

If the result of your actions is because of your father, prove to your MOTHER among everyone that you are NOT in any way like your father. Show your mom and her friends that she raised you differently than your dad was raised.

Call to arms men!! If they had the BILLION MALE MARCH, how many of you would have the balls to stand up and be MEN and FATHERS??

-BS

Muata said...

Reader Response:

I am in complete and total agreement with this message. I believe it is the woman's responsibility to say, Stop It! I know the man will not and why should he? A lot of men do not have a sense of conviction or guilt from their behavior. It is really sad the way black relationships are today. I know I have had a number of painful experiences and most of them were not my fault, however, I am the one who is responsible for allowing it to happen... so in a way it is my fault. Relationships are difficult and complicated on their own, and it is so pitiful when you add all the games and the constant manipulation. I just do not understand how black "love" got to this point. It is very disappointing, but it is today's reality. What is really sad is that I do not see signs of change anytime soon; in fact, I think things are getting worse. The future of strong committed black relationships looks very dim.
-DC

Muata said...

Reader Response:

Muata-

You're right. The Black man - Man in general has it too easy. But as long as there are women out there who are willing to accept whatever, there are going to be women who are not wiling to accept whatever that are going to be sitting at home alone or with their children in a single parent home raising her children all by herself.

Many men have no dignity, no pride (not the right kind anyway), no respect, and no devotion.

For the Married Man:

What happened to "forsaking all others / for better or for worse/ until death do us part" ? Why do you run: when times get hard; when you don't get your way; when your wife doesn't look the same way she did when you first got married; When you meet someone that "looks better than your wife"? Why do you leave your wife to take care of Your kids so that you can live a carefree life? That's not what you promised to do. Or does that not even matter.

Life isn't always easy. Times aren't always good. Yeah you might be able to find a good time with someone else, but that's the coward's way. Stand Up and be there for your family through the good times and the bad. Be a Man!

For the Single Man:

Yeah - Life is good for you. There are more women than you have time for: But think about your Mother and Your daughters when you're messing with and messing over these women. Yes, many women are desperate to find "a Man of their own", or even a man that's around every now and then. Don't take advantage of the situation. Your future wife may be out there being used and used up right now. Take responsibility for yourself if for no one else. Do the right thing. Be a Man!

Single Women:

Respect yourself and other Women. Don't accept a man that is married to another woman. Don't take whatever from a man. Your Man - The Man that is willing to do whatever for you will come along. Don't compromise yourself. You deserve more. It doesn't get better if you marry a man that doesn't do right by you or (his wife if already has one). Marry a man that respects you and women in general. Love and Respect yourself and a good man will follow.

Married Woman:

Life is tough. Sometimes you have to be the Man and the Woman / the Mother and the Father. Keep your head up. Pray daily for you, your husband, and your family. You are the glue that holds your family together. Be strong and respectful to your husband. Treat him like the king of his home and if he's a good man, he will treat you like the queen. There are parasites that are ready and willing to destroy your family. Contrary to popular belief, you are the strong one. Protect your family.

That's my take.

-Anonymous Woman

Muata said...

Reader Response:

I have re-read the commentary below and I have a few questions. What happened to the days of men doing right by women because it's just the right thing to do? I am so tired of men saying they mistreat and disrespect women because women allow it. Is it too difficult for you guys to do what is right? It sickens me to see how we (black folk) have become so selfish, greedy, conniving, and uncaring. I read and re-read this commentary about 10 times and my emotions went on emotional rollercoaster. I was happy that you brought this to the forefront because it is something that definitely needed to be said. But, I was also upset because I realized, like you, most men know how to treat a woman "right" but refuse to do it. Why should I have to demand you treat me right if I treat you right? At the bare minimum I expect you to treat me as I treat you. Why would anybody want to mistreat someone who treats them good?

-JM

Sister Kia said...

women can not take a stand when they have or perceive that they have no options... men have to begin to value women more.. a man will do these things when there is a woman he deems is worth cherishing...