The Lord knows I have tried my best not to give the Chris Brown and Rihanna saga any attention. I actually told a friend that I would not write one sentence referencing the incident. Not sure exactly why I have been so stubbornly distance. But, I do know that the thought of a man beating a woman makes me extremely uncomfortable. Because of those tormenting feelings that surface, I have refused to watch the movie, What’s Love Got to Do with It again. Just can’t stomach the beat downs. Almost like my position on Pulp Fiction: Will NEVER watch it again either.Nonetheless, I do have an opinion now that one of my heroines has spoken. Oprah informed the world that once a man hits a woman, “he will hit you again”. Really?
There’s no prayer that will help? No forgiveness that leads to a change? Therapy?
While I have never punched a woman, I have wrestled with one. We must have looked dumb ass hell too! I just wanted her out of my place before she decided to throw something else like the rotisserie chicken she slung across my living room. Chicken juice went flying! Grease stains all over my freshly painted walls. And, she even damaged my cherished framed pencil drawing of Bob Marley. She had to get the hell out then so I shook her a few times and forced her out of my condo. By the way, she got the best of me. Whipped my butt!
Seriously, I have a question:
Is Oprah right?
Here is what she said:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4XRSHIHitQ&feature=related
The Donald has spoken too:
"She better get the hell out... If she goes back, she's a loser and she doesn't deserve to have any future success.”
Rihanna’s Future documented? Well, four minutes of it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZjKR5zKAT8&playnext_from=PL&feature=PlayList&p=8B06FEFE96DBC792&playnext=1&index=5
Tina Turner:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFQlZht2DU4
Written by Brian E. Payne. Inspired by Oprah Winfrey.
16 comments:
Reader Response:
I am trying not to put my energy into this situation either and your chicken story is TOO funny.
The thing that hasn't been mentioned in this whole Chris Brown/Riahanna drama is that it is probably not the first time it has happen. It IS the first time it went public. So much so that it has become a whole child (no pun intended since she is suppose to be with child) of its own. I am sure it happened before. Her not pressing charges should tell you something even with all the hype.
What people are forgetting is that no matter the fame and attention she is a battered woman and battered women usually do not leave right away. It will need to run the course. She will go back and forth no matter what people say. Probably the more people put him down and his career suffers the more she will take him back. Especially out of guilt. Take away all the fame and attention and she is the average woman who thinks she loves a man who really would not hurt her.
As far as Oprah is concerned, there is validity to what she has said. It's an addictive behavior that men become accustom to and they might not try it more than once with certain women but they know the women who have very low self-esteem and who lack value in themselves. Men look for those issues and seek to control women with their abusive ways.. Then yes most men who hit once will hit again.
Ciao for now.
-KH
Muata responds to KH:
This one is touchy for me. I am not sure if I believe Oprah's position. And, of course it did not take Oprah to give Rihanna that message for us to know the seriousness of the behavior. But, he can't be changed? Or, is it that her message is the standard because of the threat of the man beating/possibly killing the female? So, give the toughest message so she will leave? Hell, that has proven not to work!
You hit on something:
"Probably the more people put him down and his career suffers the more she will take him back."
Really?
"Men look for those issues and seek to control women with their abusive ways.. "
Why does a man need to have that type of control? This sounds pathetic...
This appears to be simple - but it is a complex matter for the battered female: Stay or go back. And, I do wish people would stop with their 'this is what I would do' assessments. Every case is different. Right?
-Muata
KH responds to Muata:
didn't go into the links because I was doing something else while responding to you. I just read your email. Therefore, other than what you wrote about Oprah's comment is all I am responding to.
Your question below "why does a man need to have that type of control?" This sounds pathetic. Well, it is pathetic to take advantage of people downfalls i.e., low self-esteem, lack of education, lack of love, etc.
If you think about it, a man that need those types of controls are fighting themselves. It is a weak man, a man with low self-esteem issues, a man that never knew or saw love, a man who was never taught that there are at least two solutions to every problem (the a good solution and and bad solution). He was only taught or may have seen the bad solutions.
I think when men fight women they are really fighting themselves. Unfortunately, the women are the ones who end up with the marks on their bodies, broken or some times dead.
-KH
Muata responds to KH:
"I think when men fight women they are really fighting themselves. Unfortunately, the women are the ones who end up with the marks on their bodies, broken or some times dead."
Wow!
-Muata
Reader LS responds:
Are we even willing to consider that this wasn't the first time? Are we even willing to consider this happens alot but just not to the same magnitude?
I think that this is a two part scenario. I think everyone is entitled to an opinion but how do we know for sure if he will do it again? If we have not faith in change in people then what's the point of living? He is not even 25 and we think we know who he is when he doesn't know who he is himself. If we were alive in teh 60's many of us on this chain would have supported the black panthers yet one of their leaders ELDRIDGE CLeaver was a convicted rapist. As a matter of fact he had been to prison twice for rape and those are just the tiems he got caught.
We cannot be so quick to judge someone just because of the one huge mistake they made.
However, it does not look good on her part for taking him back so fast. I think at this point they needed some time apart for him to get help. But mayeb the issue does not fall soley on his shoulders. Maybe she has a problem too. I don't think we have considered all the things that might have happened. Maybe he just slugged her out or maybe she hit him as well.
Two wrong don't make a right and certainly doens't make you the lone victim. THESE ARE THINGS TO CONISDER.
At the end of the day they both need to sit back and think about the consquences of continuing a relationship. I threw my gf down in hs. I threw her so hard that she hit the wall and didn't even hit the ground first. I felt like the worst person alive.
I still speak to her today and she forgave me but acknowledges her part in it. I haven't come close to the same action again. When I went to the therapist,she said that I didn't have a probelem. I just needed to leave the girl alone. She clealry wasnt good for me.
They need to figure out if they can have a healthy relationship and deal with the problems of public lives with public problems. But Oprah was out of line. I guess when you think you are larger than life you don't care how much your opinion matters. Christians and their forgiveness patterns always amaze me.!
-LS
Muata responds to LS with article:
I read about this case a couple of years ago. With this one and all...I guess it never hurts to be too careful??
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://media.bonnint.net/apimage/c20452a8-7a85-49d2-9283-199918da7cae.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.wtopnews.com/index.php%3Fnid%3D598%26sid%3D1118597&usg=__6HiPYQQwacR9664BXvx-JDRbcXU=&h=512&w=348&sz=37&hl=en&start=60&tbnid=U47xCV_1_EMAMM:&tbnh=131&tbnw=89&prev=/images%3Fq%3Ddomestic%2Babuse%26gbv%3D2%26ndsp%3D20%26hl%3Den%26safe%3Dactive%26sa%3DN%26start%3D40
-Muata
Reader Response. A testimony:
I remember the first time I was confronted with domestic violence. It is still vague to me how I and my ex-husband (boyfriend at the time) ended up fighting. The only thing I remember is that I lose a tooth. I don’t remember the blow that caused this took loss age. I just remember I was hit and I was looking around on the floor for my loss tooth while my ex-husband (boyfriend at the time) (yeah I married him, I know, TRUST ME. I KNOW!) was busy talking smack in the background. Everything was a blur. I was in total shock and kind of dumb struck. I used to fight with my brother all the time so fighting was not foreign to me, but I didn’t see this one coming. I guess my next door neighbors heard what was going on and someone called the cops because the next20thing I knew I heard a knock at the door and it was the cops. This incident was before OJ and before they would take yo behind to jail NO MATTER WHAT! I remember telling the cops I was looking for my tooth and they were the ones who brought to my attention that my mouth was bleeding. I remember telling them that I just wanted him to leave. They escorted him out of the apartment. I also remember asking him to come back home!
However, deep down inside I knew things would never be the same between us again. I knew I would always have to be on my guard with him and that any sudden hand moves from him I had to be ready for. Let’s say I became a little jumpy when he motioned towards me after that with hands. I was so defensive that all the playfulness in our relationship was gone because I had to be on my guard to counter/block or see any potential danger coming at me. While playing I couldn’t tell which was which so that made playfulness unwanted.
NOTE: Once the first blow is passed there is NO turning back! You will NEVER know for sure if any gesture towards you is in LOVE or in COMBAT! Either you will ALWAYS assume that a hit is coming when it is not, thus always reinforcing the past and the REAL FACT that violence was very Present there!
I went on and married this dude who also cheated on me and I was in my own personal hell for 11 years (now we did have some good times or y’all KNOW I would NOT have stayed that long). But finally said, “Enough is Enough” with the cheating, domestic violence and the potential of domestic violence that could jump off, if he was provoked by his own demonic forces that might surface in the event I would have to be ready to fight and that sh*t got old.
This type of life takes a toll on you after a while, especially if the person is only remorseful when they are threatened by losing something they cherish. However, DEEP DOWN inside YOU knows once certain lines/boundaries are crossed there is NO going back to business or life as usual…
-Freedom
Reader Response w/ a testimony:
Hi, this is Brian's sister, Shirley Jean Payne-HEaden aka Shirley Payne or Shirley Headen!
Chris Brown is wrong for beating Rhianna like that! God, Bless him, but he is wrong. Rhianna may be wrong for something, but Chris is wrong for what he did.
That is the top and bottom line! He is wrong. It changes my perception of him. Can he sing, and does he have a talent, yes!
I have been in an abusive relationship with a man when I was in my latter years in high school, and 1st years of college.
I never did anything wrong. The man just did not want me to leave. I was stupid, and lost, but now I am found. It is wrong, and I repeat wrong what he did. I pray that Rhianna does not go back to him. I kept going back and got beat every time. My brother can tell you about a "TOto, that was his name."
I was afraid that if I left he would kill me, but the truth was that if I stayed he would have killed me. I finally woke up and smelled the coffe and had to leave the city and hide away. He is in jail today due to molesting his own neice and other voilence.
IT MADE ME STRONGER AND IF A NEGRO EVER COME AGAINST ME AGAIN, HE BETTER RUN.
ANY WAY, THAT IS MY TESTIMONY! I wasnt' famous like they are, but use commom sense Rhiana .. I commend Oprah for telling her not to go back. At least if Rhianna goes back, Oprah would have told the truth, and TO ALL THE SISTERS that say that Rhianna may have provoked him, think about yourself, do you think you deserve a beat down, HELL NO, and I am believer in God, and I say hell no. Do not let a man abuse you mentally, physically, etc. Some may disagree with my email, but that is ok, and I thank God for you anyway. Any sister out there who needs to talk, talk to me, I will tell you to leave.
God bless, and happy thoughts. I had a long day at work of working as a teacher, and that is enough abuse in an inner city school. LOL
-SP
Reader Freedom responds to LS:
It is not that Christians are too forgiving it is that we are sometimes mis-taught! When clearly the bible does not condone this type of behavior, but some are misguided by the people that they trust with their intimate battles.
I remember most of the fights (verbal and physical) that I had stemmed from me trying to detect or stop my ex from cheating. His violence reared its ugly head when I used to try to either stop him from leaving when it was too late for him to go out (hang out). Or when I was sure he was cheating and was trying to look through his beeper (when they were the hot item lol) to his cell phone that he had on lock and we were married that's a no-no!
So, to me the whole infidelity aspect of a relationship will most likely lead to the most prevalent displays of violence, either from him/her trying to prevent themselves from being caught from their promiscuous behavior or the person trying to find out the TRUTH that they really don't want to know. There are other times too, but the most violence that occurs in relationships are during those times when one partner is trying to seek out cheating!
-Freedom
Reader LS responds to Freedom:
I meant that many Christians preach forgiveness but clearly when it suits them. Oprah is sooo religious supposedly yet she is so judgemental of Chris Brown. But she is not the only one. Many christians I know are the same way. No one is perfect but if they are going to talk the talk then they need to walk the same way.
-LS
Muata responds to LS:
Oprah has said several times that she is not religious, but spiritual. Actually, she has been criticized because of a few statements she made that have not been in line with Christianity.
I just went into our admin hub. It is full of women. Lord have mercy! I try not to go in there because I feel like a piece of meat when I am in there! LOL! All are intelligent, fine, outspoken, but taking Chris Brown's side and blasting Rihanna. Should I be surprised? I was! I heard: "she provoked him", "I wish they leave him alone", "she ain't innocent". Wow! Came from women. Someone asked me do I think his career will tank. No, I don't. Why? Because the women who purchase his music and go to his concerts are probably of the mindset of the 30yr old plus women in the admin hub. Sad.
-Muata
LS responds to Muata:
Is that why after 9/11 she had every gospel singer she could find on her show and talked about her love for God and blah blah blah?
It doesn't matter really if she is a "christian". She is a hypocrit. But thas on so many levels. Either way she comdenmed a man whose woman has forgiven him. Why can't we do the same? A person in her postion should use here fame for more productive stuff than calling out a 21 year old who obviously has a problem. In due time this will play out but I bet you if it all works out and he can somehow get his fame back and revampe his image she will have him on the show. She is a hustler just like the wall street guys. She just sells a different product.
-LS
Reader response with another testimony:
Well, I have not heard nor seen what Oprah said to Rihanna, but I agree that if a man hits you once, he'll do it again.
I can recall being hit but a ex that I had ended it with . He stalked me, waited outside my house and then punched me in my mouth when I refused to take him back. You know I called the PoPo, went to work the next day and told everybody that would listen, then told my brothers. I was never ashamed because I knew I did nothing wrong. Let's just say, after that, he never said a word to me and when he saw me out, he turned and walked the other way. Still to this day, I don't know what my brother did or said to him. Oh well.
For me, hitting is like cheating, if they hit or cheat and get away with it, they'll do it again and that goes for men and women. . It sends a message, that it's okay.
She really needs to think long and hard but some folks can't learn for other folks experiences.
I wish her luck.
-EFJ
Reader Testimony Response:
Throwing chicken............Oh she's crazy!
C hit me twice...........first time summer before my senior year of high school because he found out I was seeing someone else. I tried to kill him. The last time during college, I think he forgot about what happened before............I tried to stab him with some scissors (lucky for him they were the new round dull edge ones) and I maced him. After that, he never touched me again. He thinks I'm crazy, but I wasn't taken his mess.
-D
Muata responds to D:
lord. this domestic violence is real. just in this email dialogue we have had 4 women disclose their past with domestic violence. wow!
-Muata
Reader D responds to Muata:
Yes, it's very real, but what's sad is that the Oprah's (and media) of the world what to make it a major issue now because it happened to Rihanna...........please, I doubt if Oprah would've dedicated tomorrow's show to the Rihanna's of the world if this hadn't taken place.
This happens everyday!!!
Oh yeah, I failed to mention in my email that C and I were not a couple at the time that I was seeing someone else. He was also dealing with someone else, but you know how men do.....
-D
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